It’s Official: Rod to Run the Shred at Michigan

1/15/2008

EWM- (Jan. 15, 2008, Ann Arbor) – Newly hired University of Michigan Football Coach Rich Rodriguez has completed the administrative phase of his new job with the implementation of a new record-keeping policy, “the shred.”

The innovative scheme is designed to confound anyone with a desire to know anything about the program, from opponents, to players, to UM officials. It involves the immediate destruction of every document created about the program by use of diesel-powered shredders housed in the football offices.

“The shred was designed to keep everybody in the dark,” said Rodriguez. “I don’t care if it’s the damn morning paper, I want it turned into confetti before anyone can make use of it.”

Program’s efficiency was demonstrated from the get-go as the press releases intended to accompany the news briefing were distributed to reporters in handfuls of tiny bits of paper. When a Detroit Free Press beat writer noted that “this is unusable” Rodriguez became incensed.

“Oh, so the press release isn’t good enough huh? Well why don’t you base your report on rumor and innuendo? But then again I don’t respond to rumor and innuendo so I guess we’re executing pretty well already,” fumed Rodriguez.

As with his acclaimed “spread” offense, Rodriguez imported the new paperwork program to Michigan from West Virginia University. A WVU official, who requested anonymity, noted that it was so successful that they had to send for an emergency shipment of toilet paper after Rodriguez’s departure.

“That’s our Rich,” said the official. “My advice to the folks at Michigan is to never take your eyes off him and inventory the silverware.”

Rodriguez appeared at today’s news conference along with 14 administrative assistants and newly named Assistant Head Coach for Erasure and Document Destruction Dusty Rutledge. The rotund Rutledge was unable to comment because he was gnawing on what appeared to be an entire leg of lamb.

Editor’s Note: Please excuse the Muse for reporting fantasy. As a Fairly Unbalanced Journalist, it’s his calling.

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