Network News Shocker: Rove to Replace Rather

2/20/2005

EWM - (February 20, 2005) Eyewitness Muse has learned that power brokers at the Republican National Committee and Viacom are putting the finishing touches on a blockbuster deal to replace embattled CBS Evening News anchor Dan Rather with White House Deputy Chief of Staff Karl Rove.

The move was initiated by Rove, who has grown increasingly frustrated by embarrassing gaffes resulting from White House efforts to control the media. “It signals a shift in strategy from covert control to overt manipulation,” said a source close to the negotiations. “Karl decided it was time to cut out the middle-men and report the news himself–to pull aside the curtain, so to speak.”

EWM has obtained a tersely worded memo from Rove to Press Secretary Scott McClellan that laments the breakdowns that led to his decision.

“I received word this morning that our hand-picked stooge for Talon News has a fake name and is mixed up in gay military pornographic Internet prostitution. Could we have f..ked it up worse?

“Everyone is screaming because we are paying the press to report our version of reality and I have a special prosecutor up my ass over “Operation Flame Plame.” It is time to eliminate the margin for error. Therefore I will assume the anchor’s desk at CBS Evening News on April 1, 2005 and I trust there will be no further missteps,” wrote Rove.

Changes are already being made behind the scenes at Evening News to prepare. The symphonic musical opening will be replaced by Rove leading the nation in the Lord’s Prayer and a large portrait of the President and First Lady will replace the familiar “CBS eye” logo on the set. Teleprompters at the network are being hard-wired to receive White House press releases in “real-time.”

News of Rove’s plans did not play well at Fox News where Chairman Roger Ailes became so enraged that he bitch-slapped Alan Colmes. “Does Rove think it’s easy to rationalize every blunder, distortion and miscalculation committed by this Administration?” he screamed. “We’ve been playing toady for these guys for five years and this is the thanks we get?”

EWM confronted Rove about his anchor plans and he agreed to speak with us off-camera (a minor concession on our part, because we don’t have any cameras).

EWM: How can you maintain objectivity when you are serving as both White House deputy chief of staff and CBS Evening News anchor?

Rove: You have to understand that objectivity is a very subjective standard, and one rendered quaint by the reality that we are always right.

EWM: But won’t this forever change the Jeffersonian concept of a free and independent media?

Rove: Am I a pioneer? Who knows? History will tell that tale. But come to think of it, I’ll be the one writing that history…”

Editor’s Note: Please excuse the Muse for reporting fantasy. As a Fairly Unbalanced journalist, it is his calling.

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