Blake Trial Cancelled; Fingers Point over Ratings Flop

3/7/2005

EWM - (March 7, 2005) Faced with waning public interest, plummeting ratings and internal squabbles, producers of the Robert Blake murder trial have sent the case to jury weeks ahead of schedule.

The decision rocked the celebrity justice industry and sent Hollywood potentates scrambling to reassess their commitments to “bad boy vs. lady justice” programming.

“It remains to be seen if celebrity justice has reached its zenith, or whether the Blake trial simply imploded because of producer incompetence,” said veteran crime-story sycophant Dominick Dunne. “Talk about bad timing, what made team-Blake think they could compete with the Michael Jackson trial? Memo to TV producers: moon-walking carnival freaks fondling little boys trumps yesterday’s white trash every time!”

The trial’s early demise pre-empted yet another subplot in which Blake fires his attorney. The latest rift was over the witness list. Blake insisted that Fred, the cockatoo, be called to the stand as an alibi witness but attorney M. Gerald Schwartzbach refused to share the stage with another preening white-crested actor.

Pulitzer Prize winning TV critic Tom Shales was not surprised by the developments. “The public is getting more discerning; they want snap, crackle and pop in a celebrity trial and there just aren’t many that clear the bar. If the O.J. trial was the industry’s “Citizen Kane,” the Blake trial is its “Gigli.”

“And let’s not forget the indy movement. Who would have thought you could take a skank-chasing nobody like Scott Peterson and turn him into an overnight sensation? Viewers are hungry for new faces. There’s a lot of competition and it’s becoming a real cut-throat business,” said Shales.

Meanwhile, in a related development, “Advertising Week” magazine is reporting that Court TV is shopping in-program product placement opportunities and advertisers are flashing a big thumbs-up. Look for London Fog rain gear over the heads of indicted CEOs in next season’s perp-walks and Evian bottled water on defense and prosecution tables. Gideons, the Bible maker, has acquired the rights to the Jackson trial and will be known as “the official swearing-in book of The King of Pop.”

Editor’s Note: Please excuse the Muse for reporting fantasy. As a Fairly Unbalanced Journalist, it is his calling.

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