Attention President Disorder

8/18/2005

Distracted POTUS Penning Memoir: “The White House for Dummies”

EWM - (August 18, 2005) White House officials are beginning to whisper about the disinterest and distraction emanating from the Oval Office and point to falling poll numbers and the Bush Administration’s failing agenda as the result of the President’s apparent apathy.

But EWM has learned that the real problem is that Bush is sick of the job and planning for his post-presidency. And the shocking revelation that you will only read on EWM is that Bush is already shopping a book and major publishing houses are biting.

In “The White House for Dummies” Bush eschews an articulation of his world view and lays out a formula for conducting a presidency with as little thought and effort as possible.

EWM has obtained a treatment for the book and its chapter headings include advice for future Presidents ("Don’t Misunderestimate the Job, It’s Hard Work"); tips on managing the economy ("Make the Pie Higher"); and lessons in diplomacy ("Wars is Hard Work").

Our triple super secret source for this story asked not to be identified, but EWM can attest to her credibility because we have learned that she regularly sleeps with the president and has extensive literary knowledge gleaned from a prior career as a librarian. We’ll refer to her as “literary whistle blower (LW-B).”

We met in a Dumpster behind a suburban Virginia Denny’s to conduct the interview.

EWM: When did the President begin to lose interest in the job and start to fancy himself a writer?

LW-B: About a year ago, he started wandering aimlessly around the living quarters and muttering something about “Bill Clinton has a really big one.” At first, I was afraid to ask what the hell he was talking about, but one night I found him with his crayons underling passages in “My Life” and I realized it was pure jealousy. George wanted a presidential book too.

EWM: How has the President been able to handle the added challenge of writing a book to an already demanding schedule?

LW-B: In a word, terribly. This is a man who cannot walk and chew pretzels. He’s a mess. Why do you think he keeps running into things with his bicycle? I’m worried for him and I’m worried for the country. This second term cannot end quickly enough.

EWM: Apart from prematurely publishing his memoir, what does the President plan to do with the rest of his life?

LW-B: George has been bitten by the literary bug and sees himself turning out one best seller after another. He told me he’s already planning his next project and that he wants to move into the spiritual genre and borrow from George Lucas’ formula.

EWM: How’s that?

LW-B: [sighs] He’s going to write a prequel to the Book of Genesis.

Editor’s Note: Please excuse the Muse for reporting fantasy. As a Fairly Unbalanced Journalist, it is his calling.

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