Bush Tries Desperate Ploy to Disperse Protesters

8/22/2005

Warns crowd “do not eat the brown acid“

EWM - (August 22, 2005) Frustrated by days of being upstaged and humiliated by throngs of antiwar protesters outside his Crawford ranch, President Bush stunned observers today by switching on the loudspeaker in his passing limousine and warning protesters to “stay away from the brown acid.”

“The brown acid is bad! Don’t take the brown acid,” shouted the President from the motorcade as it swept by the chanting dissidents.

The admonition initially bewildered the protesters into silence, then many were overheard asking, “what did he say?” Celebrity protester, legendary folk singer Joan Baez, attempted to explain that the reference was to an incident at 1969’s Woodstock concert, but nobody was listening.

It was not immediately clear if Bush was making an attempt at humor or he honestly believed the warning would help disperse the crowd. A source close to the President confirmed suspicions that the chief executive is simply overwhelmed and his aides spend most of the time moving things from in front of his bicycle.

“His incoherence is pretty much complete,” said our source. “Most of the time he just sits and stares like he was still holding that goat book on 9/11. He occasionally jabbers random bits and pieces of sound bites like he’s got the Tourettes, but we don’t pay much attention. This is just like his take on the war, ‘we’re leaving,’ ‘we’re staying,’ ‘we’re making progress,’ ‘it’s hard work,’ hell, if we tried to figure him out we’d all be cuckoo.”

The strange event was not lost on the traveling White House press corps, which pummeled Press Secretary Scott McClellan with questions about the incident and Bush’s familiarity with “brown acid.” In keeping with his new policy of answering questions in a manner designed to minimize his exposure to indictment, McClellan remained coy.

“We would love to talk about this and at the proper time we will. But we are investigating and in order to protect the investigation we will only say that back in the 60s the President never took a drug called acid and likewise never ingested a brown drug.”

Editor’s Note: Please excuse the Muse for reporting fantasy. As a Fairly Unbalanced Journalist, it is his calling.

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