Bush Recalled to National Guard!

9/2/2005

Iraq-depleted, desperate Guard calling back those with unfulfilled commitments for hurricane emergency.

EWM - (September 2, 2005) A White House already reeling from a “God awful” federal response to Hurricane Katrina, chaos in Iraq, and plummeting poll numbers received another blow today when President Bush was ordered to report to Montgomery, Alabama immediately to resume his incomplete National Guard service.

The Guard, facing a crisis of its own due to over-deployment and under-enlistment is scouring its records to identify former guardsmen with dubious service histories so they can be pressed back into duty. The move was necessitated when the guard was asked to deploy massive aid to hurricane-stricken regions and discovered that the “cupboard was bare.”

Pentagon computer experts identified prospects by doing a Google search on the terms, “National Guard,” “skipped requirements,” “accomplished nothing” and “left early.” The President’s name was said to be the first on the search results.

Those recalled will receive certified letters today notifying them to report immediately to the units from which they bailed and will be enrolled into “Slacker Battalions.” Although Bush was identified as owing service to units in both Alabama and Texas, Alabama received his recall rights after losing a coin flip.

U.S. National Guard commander Brigadier General Morley Brassbuttons put an optimistic spin on prospects that the Slacker Battalions will make a contribution this time around. “Given the less than stellar records of the recalled, our expectations are pretty low. That said, we believe the Slacker Battalions can handle menial but necessary chores such as emptying trash receptacles, washing dishes and scrubbing lavatories.

“But this time there will be no deferments, transfers to work on political campaigns, or early-outs to attend MBA school. As an incentive to comply we’ve arranged for violators to be shipped to Abu Ghraib prison wearing nothing but a garbage bag.”

For his part, the President is said to be relieved to get a break from the “hard work” of being President, but was crestfallen when told that this time he will not make his entrance in a flight suit under a “Mission Accomplished” banner.

Meanwhile, as a contingency, Karl Rove is checking General Brassbuttons’ genealogy chart to find relatives with sensitive secrets that could be leaked to the media.

The issue was not discussed at this morning’s press gaggle as White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan showed up wearing earplugs, gagged and blindfolded.

Editor’s Note: Please excuse the Muse for reporting fantasy. As a Fairly Unbalanced Journalist, it is his calling.

Read “Hastert puts the Hippo in Hypocrisy” serious EWM commentary about a seriously inadequate Speaker

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