The Color of Chaos

9/9/2005

Beleaguered FEMA implements color codes to forestall future failures.

EWM - (September 9, 2005) As part of a massive restructuring of the FEMA side of the Department of Homeland Security, Secretary Michael Chertoff is implementing a color-coded system to direct staff on protocols to be followed for a pending natural disaster. The move was made in concert with FEMA Director Michael Brown’s recall to Washington to “pursue other opportunities” after the agency’s botched response to Hurricane Katrina.

Like the familiar terror-threat advisory system, the new Color Labeled Uniform Standard Tragedy Evasion Requirements - Federal Use, Classified Knowledge (CLUSTERFUCK) uses colors to signify states of readiness and response. Unlike its counterpart, which was designed primarily to manipulate the public, CLUSTERFUCK was created for internal use and its existence is top secret.

The colors will be communicated to FEMA personnel via GPS-controlled mood rings and the threat status will not be announced to the public.

EWM has exclusively obtained a copy of a top-secret memo distributed throughout the agency. The document was thoroughly vetted and its authenticity confirmed by a top administration official speaking on quadruple super duper secret background. We reprint it at grave danger to ourselves and the Republic.

To: All Staff
From: Secretary Chertoff
Date: September 9, 2005
Re: CLUSTERFUCK

As you probably know, the public’s misconception that we have something to do with organizing a federal response to a large-scale crisis is a source of great consternation at the White House. I’ve been informed that this is “unacceptable” and could even result in a delay in my receiving the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Henceforth you will adhere to the guidelines outlined by the new color code system to prevent any further inconvenience to my office. I have the President’s assurance that any violators of these new protocols “will be taken care of…”

CLUSTERFUCK Color Protocols:

Gray: A massive storm is approaching and decisive action should be taken.

Tan: Ignore pending danger, it’s vacation season.

White: Storm is heading for a state governed by a Bush relative, spare no resource.

Black: Storm is headed toward, you know, implement Plan “B.”

No color: There is no “Plan B.”

Blue: Identify and vilify a blue-state governor for all failures attributable to FEMA.

Green: Massive clean-up contracts imminent, call Halliburton.

Red: Embarrassment over failures and missteps being reported by media, issue gag order and confiscate cameras.

Bright Red: Embarrassment over failures and missteps reaches White House, replace director and congratulate him for a job well done.

Brown: This is a category five, shit in your pants and proceed immediately to Dick Cheney’s bunker.

The color chart is being printed on laminated wallet-sized cards so FEMA staff will have it within reach as they sit on their asses.

Editor’s Note: Please excuse the Muse for reporting fantasy. As a Fairly Unbalanced Journalist, it is his calling.

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