Bush Names Retired Plumber Treasury Secretary
EWM - (September 27, 2005) The White House is red-faced after yet another appointment foul-up has positioned a retired plumber from Peoria to become the next Treasury Secretary of the United States.
The Bush Administration, already on the defensive since Arabian horseman-turned FEMA Director Michael Brown went pie-eyed in the face of hurricane Katrina and an animal husbandry specialist was appointed to head FDA’s Office of Women’s Health, went into spin mode.
“Lenny Wafflemoppet will make an excellent Treasury Secretary,” droned White House spokesman Scott McClellan. “He is an extremely well-qualified nominee who will make an outstanding treasurer and someone that all Americans can be proud of.”
The now familiar refrain sent veteran White House correspondent Helen Thomas into a rage, spitting her dentures across the press room as she screamed, “this guy doesn’t know a thirty-year bond from a drain snake! How can he manage the world’s most powerful economy? And how can we trust the word of a press secretary who ends sentences with a preposition?
Clearly taken aback by the challenge to his manhood and grammar, McClellan snapped. “Why don’t you crawl back into the swamp you withered she-beast, if the President appoints Charles Manson to the Supreme Court I’m going to say ‘he’s the Goddamn bee’s knees, blah, blah, blah,’ it’s my job–get it?”
Wafflemoppet was as surprised as anybody when the satellite trucks pulled into his yard to get his reaction to the appointment.
“Hell I’m a Democrat and a union man,” said the 61-year old retiree. “I don’t know what ‘W’ would want with me. But I just take life as it comes, gonna pack up the old Winnebago and head east–maybe find me a nice fat intern to pass the time. I hear the pay’s good too.”
Meanwhile, world financial markets went into a tailspin on the news. A state of emergency was declared in Saudi Arabia where rich oil sheiks were said to be leaping from palace windows upon learning that a retired plumber with a four-day beard and visible butt crack would be managing their vast U.S. Treasury bond portfolios.
As oil spiked above $900 a barrel and riots broke out at gas stations across the U.S., President Bush declared that the crisis could have been avoided had “those caribou-kissing Democrats let me drill the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.”
Hearings on the Wafflemoppet nomination begin Tuesday.
Editor’s Note: Please excuse the Muse for reporting fantasy. As a Fairly Unbalanced Journalist, it’s his calling.
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