Environmental Disaster: Republicans get Protection in Endangered Species Act


EWM - (October 1, 2005) In his last act before stepping down, indicted House Majority Leader Tom DeLay inserted language into a rewrite of the Endangered Species Act that will extend its protections to scandal-plagued Republicans.

Environmentalists were outraged when they learned of DeLay’s last-minute trick. World Wildlife Watchers President Leon Lyons said, “we knew they were out to gut the Act, but we never dreamed they’d use the law that saved the Bald Eagle to save their own sorry asses from extinction.”

DeLay snookered Democrats by adding the “GOP Preservation Provision” to the bill with ink that can only be viewed by wearing the special rose-colored glasses he issued to Republicans.

The new provision creates a “Dream Team Trust” that provides funding to hire the best criminal lawyers in the country to represent Republicans ranging from White House Political Director Karl Rove to Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist and even DeLay himself.

It also sets aside acreage in high-value real estate areas, such as Vail and the Hamptons, to create protected reserves for wealthy white Republicans that are being hunted by prosecutorial poachers for their criminality, and won’t survive without federal protection.

DeLay stashed the language within the Act’s subsection on the West Pecos Grease Weasel (to which House Resources Committee Chairman Richard Pombo bears an uncanny resemblance).

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi expressed grudging admiration for DeLay’s pertinacity. “The man is congenitally corrupt, it’s just amazing,” said Pelosi. “If they ever do lock him lock up, they’ll have to use one of those Hannibal Lector restraint contraptions to keep him from biting people.”

Meanwhile, environmentalists were also said to be concerned about a mysterious section in the GOP’s new Endangered Species Act that creates a special one-million acre terrorist-proof “Green Zone” in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. The earmark provides $14.6 billion for Halliburton to manage the project.

Editor’s Note: Please excuse the Muse for reporting fantasy. As a Fairly Unbalanced Journalist, it’s his calling.

More Muse: A serious and stinging assessment of Bush so-far, “Mission Demolished.”

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