Study: Euthanizing Right-wing Pundits would Solve Global Warming

10/6/2005

Author says that would be reprehensible, but still a tough call.

EWM - (October 6, 2005) The scientific community was stunned today when famed French geophysicist Jacques Revanche published a study that concludes euthanizing right-wing talk show hosts would solve the global warming problem.

The report sparked a firestorm of controversy across the nation’s airwaves, even as Revanche sought to downplay its findings. “It’s true that if you wanted to stop global warming, you could, if that were your sole purpose, you could euthanize every right-wing talk show host in this country, and the global temperature would go down. That would be an impossible, ridiculous, and morally reprehensible thing to do, but your temperature would go down.”

To gather data for the study, Revanche sneaked into talk show studios variously disguised as a plumber, hair stylist and, in the case of Bill O’Reilly, a falafel delivery boy. He then captured air samples in the vicinity of the hosts and subjected them to rigorous testing.

The results varied widely. For example, Rush Limbaugh’s breath was found to be the pollution equivalent of an 18-ton garbage truck while Michael Savage’s sample scored just below a battery-powered dildo.

The project was not without its setbacks, the data had to be reworked when it was discovered that Fox anchor John Gibson has no cellular activity and was reclassified as “undead.”

Upon learning of the study, conservative talking heads went into apoplexy. Sean Hannity became so enraged when co-host Alan Colmes suggested that right-wing punditry was responsible for Hurricane Katrina, he lifted him by the throat and gave him a category five wedgie.

But not everyone dismissed the idea. Senator Hillary Clinton suggested that the conservative broadcasters volunteer to be “put down.” In a speech on the Senate floor, Clinton asked, “how much do they love their country? This is an opportunity for a vast right wing conspiracy to save America and the planet. We should reach out to them with our thoughts, prayers and a loaded revolver.”

Meanwhile, the Christian evangelical community, which was conspicuously silent after Republican lackey turned talk show host Bill Bennett made similar remarks regarding aborting all black babies, went into full howl in defense of the right-wing pundits. CBN President Pat Robertson went the farthest saying he would get the CIA to “take Revanche out.”

Editor’s Note: Please excuse the Muse for reporting fantasy. As a Fairly Unbalanced Journalist, it’s his calling.

New Commentary: “You can’t call it terror if you’re not afraid of it.”

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