Dr. Phil to Intervene in Troubled Republican Family
Program to air Sunday night on Fox
EWM- (October 12, 2005) Pop psychology guru Dr. Phil McGraw will conduct a live intervention Sunday night on the Fox Network in an attempt to pacify the feuding Republican Party. The program was hastily announced this morning as party leaders conceded that the internecine warfare over Supreme Court nominees, Iraq policy, corruption, out of control spending and general incompetence was about to go nuclear.
“These guys need more than a check-up from the neck-up. I’m going to have to do a full cranial colonic. I mean they got more troubles than a trailer park,” said Dr. Phil.
Sensing a complete meltdown in Republican ranks, First Lady Laura Bush secretly brought Dr. Phil to the White House Monday night to meet with select Republicans and evaluate the situation. It went badly.
“Dick Cheney called Ann Coulter a ’skank’ and she responded by kicking him in the testicles,” said Dr. Phil. “Then Bill Bennett jumped out of his chair and started goose-stepping around the room. Before I could get that settled down, an altercation broke out between Karl Rove and Scooter Libby over ‘who leaked first.’ Actually, that was kind of amusing because they both fight like girls,” added Dr. Phil.
After the failed attempt to settle differences behind the scenes, Dr. Phil became convinced that the divisions were so deep and widespread that a nationally-televised intervention was the only hope.
Some are skeptical. President Bush passed on attending the program. However, that may be symptom of a larger problem with the President. A source close to the First Family said Bush has become peevish and reclusive. “He just stays in the family quarters playing with his GI Joes, it’s very sad,” said our source.
Republicans that have agreed to attend the program include columnist George Will, Senator Sam Brownback, House Majority Leader Tom DeLay and bipolar U.N. Ambassador John Bolton who will be restrained to his seat with duct tape to protect the studio audience.
The program will be preceded by a special invocation by Pat Robertson entitled “Lord please forgive our enemies so they will be cleansed before we kill them.”
Asked what she’ll do if the intervention fails, Mrs. Bush simply sighed and said, “Well, there’s always Jerry Springer.”
In related news, Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers, fearing the inevitable, is planning for life off the bench and has signed on with the Home Shopping Network to produce a line of cosmetics. “Excess by Harriet” will debut in time for the Christmas shopping season.
Editor’s Note: Please excuse the Muse for reporting fantasy. As a Fairly Unbalanced Journalist, it’s his calling.
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