DeLay Releases “Earle’s Gone Wild” Video
Phase one of “Mother of all smear campaigns.”
EWM - (October 15, 2005) Indicted House Majority Leader Tom DeLay today released a video entitled “Earle’s Gone Wild” in what he described as the first phase of the “Mother of all smear campaigns” launched against Texas prosecutor Ronnie Earle, who brought conspiracy and money laundering charges against him.
The video depicts Earle cavorting with topless coeds while wearing a loin cloth made of Texas’ Lone Star Flag. It ends with a scene of the prosecutor doing bong hits with former Democratic Texas Governor Ann Richards as Chippendale dancers shake their buns to a kazoo band rendition of “The Yellow Rose of Texas.”
DeLay admitted that look-alike actors were used in the production and the events never happened, but urged the public to ignore that and focus on the message. “Earl’s Gone Wild is a morality tale, it shows what can happen when the abuse of power goes unchecked,” said DeLay. “We are going to make the Valerie Plame outing look like a Tupperware party, I intend to show Ronnie Earle what it’s like to go head-to-head with the Hammer.”
Fox News and Clear Channel Communications have agreed to air the program in “the public interest.”
DeLay also announced plans to leverage the full resources of the federal government against Earle saying, “I’m doing this because I am the federal government and I can.”
The Department of Homeland Security plans to quarantine Earle’s office to search for biohazards and the FBI will enforce a new redistricting plan that limits its jurisdiction to the Republic of the Congo.
DeLay also asked the USDA to sever Earle’s head to test it for mad cow disease, but that request is mired in red tape and may not be fulfilled in time for the trial.
In what’s being described as a first in American jurisprudence, the anti-Earle campaign will feature a sweepstakes in which members of the DeLay trial jury pool will qualify to receive free trips to the famed St. Andrews golf course in Scotland by filling out special entry forms that include a promise to acquit.
In other news, indicted Washington lobbyist Jack Abramoff announced plans to build a refinery on Washington’s K Street that will extract oil from lobbyists to provide an alternative energy source to heat the U.S. Capitol.
Editor’s Note: Please excuse the Muse for reporting fantasy. As a Fairly Unbalanced Journalist, it’s his calling.
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