Fitzgerald Issues Frog-Marching Guidelines


Suspense builds, and a prosecutor prepares.

EWM - (October 18, 2005) In anticipation of imminent activity resulting from his two-year investigation into the White House leaking of undercover CIA operative Valerie Plame’s identity, Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald has issued guidelines to FBI agents outlining the proper techniques to use when “frog marching” suspects.

It is clear that the ever thorough Fitzgerald does not want any missteps. Due to the historical nature of the upcoming frog marches, and the fact they will be replayed thousands of times on cable news networks, he issued a memorandum on the subject which EWM obtained through a double super-secret source.

“As always, I expect that agents participating in these arrests will conduct themselves with the utmost of professionalism,” wrote Fitzgerald. “We will do this by-the-book and not have any surprises.

Prisoners will be manacled with cuffs around the ankles and wrists and connected at the waist. This will severely restrict their mobility and you will instruct the prisoner to move forward by barking “hop-hop-hop” while holding him tightly by the elbows.

We expect that the indicted officials will try and make a break for it, and I remind you that tests conducted at the FBI’s Quantico facility show that a frightened suspect can hop away at speeds of up to 11 miles per hour. Should any prisoner attempt to break free, you should Taser them until a large wet spot appears on the groin area of their trousers.

Please resist the temptation to place a silly hat on the suspect during the frog march. Should the prisoner thrash about and endanger himself, you are permitted to whack him senseless with a nightstick and place a child’s bicycle helmet on his head to protect him from injury.”

Fitzgerald’s memo shows that he has a strong sense of the moment and is taking steps to ensure the Department of Justice is shown in the best possible light.

“Remember, it’s all about camera angles. You should be positioned to the side and a half-step behind the suspects so as not to obstruct the television cameras. And I do not need to remind you that FBI Agents never grin.

Agents should be nattily attired. The always popular “Men in Black” look, while still acceptable, is so 1980s. I would suggest a seasonal-appropriate tweed or herringbone blazer accented with a royal blue, orange or other vivid Fall color.

Under no circumstances are Agents to wear an “I’m with stupid” tee shirt while escorting the suspects. This occurred during the apprehension of lobbyist Jack Abramoff and the Attorney General was not amused.”

Editor’s Note: Please excuse the Muse for reporting fantasy. As a Fairly Unbalanced Journalist, it’s his calling.

More Musings: the man has no shame. “For Dubya, Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word.

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