White House Sets Job Fair
Getting ready for Bush version 2.2
EWM - (October 25, 2005) Vowing not to be deterred by the staffing implosion within his Administration, President Bush has ordered the Office of Personnel Management to conduct a job fair to find candidates to fill the glut of vacancies resulting from indictments and incompetence of top aides.
The action was prompted when Chief of Staff Andy Card informed Bush that his presidency was in free-fall and he needed to “clean house.”
“Soon after that, we found Dubya vacuuming the Oval Office carpet, but once we explained that ‘clean house’ is a figure of speech meaning it’s time to hire new people, he was all over it and started preparing job descriptions,” said a source.
Those job descriptions provide an insight as to who is on the chopping block and the failings that will lead to their ouster. For example, under the category of “chief political saboteur,” an obvious reference to Karl Rove’s position, the criteria include: “candidate should possess a devious mind, ten years experience in character assassination, and the ability to cover his tracks.”
Another job opening, said to be for the position presently held by vice presidential chief of staff Scooter Libby, is listed as “Dick’s lickspittle.” In what some read as a backhanded jibe at Cheney, the qualifications include, “an ability to work with dogmatic and severely delusional superior” and “candidate must be certified in CPR.”
Among the many other advertisements for job vacancies, we found:
FEMA Director: “heck of an opportunity for a self-starting problem solver; training in equestrian helpful but not mandatory.”
Supreme Court Nominee: “seeking ‘best Supreme Court nominee ever’ to replace ‘worst Supreme Court nominee ever’; no prior judicial experience needed, but candidate should possess a good heart and have James Dobson on their speed dial.”
White House Press Secretary: “successful candidate will demonstrate the ability to generate positive news stories about a lying buffoon and bitch-slap Helen Thomas when needed.” Curiously, the job description contains the passage “casual Friday does not include drag attire,” which was inserted to dissuade former White House correspondent/male escort Jeffery Gannon from applying for the position.
Each of the announcements includes the notation, “in lieu of references, please attach receipts for contributions to the Bush/Cheney 2004 Election Campaign.”
Editor’s Note: Please excuse the Muse for reporting fantasy. As a Fairly Unbalanced Journalist, it’s his calling.
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