Operation Choke the Chicken

11/5/2005

DHS won’t be caught with its pants down by Avian Flu

EWM - (November 5, 2005) In the wake of its botched hurricane response, the Department of Homeland Security is under enormous pressure to avoid being caught with its pants down by the Avian Flu and has launched “Operation Choke the Chicken,” an aggressive campaign designed to beat the virus.

But not everybody is crowing about the plan. Civil libertarians are outraged about DHS’ intention to profile birds suspected of plotting to spread the H5N1 flu strain while living undetected in “sleeper coops.” Detainees will be transferred to undisclosed locations without access to counsel and will be interrogated as “avian combatants.”

Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff insisted that provisions of the expanded Patriot Act allowed for the “extra-constitutional” measures and scoffed at concerns over the treatment of prisoners. “The idea that birds should be treated ‘humanely’ is patently absurd and I believe contrary to scripture,” said Chertoff. “Bottom line is if those little peckerheads value their feathers, they better chirp about where their buddies are and what they’re plotting.”

Chertoff, whose resemblance to the cartoon character Road Runner has earned him the nickname “Beep-Beep” from President Bush, said some of his best friends are birds and they would “get over” their harsh treatment. “Look, we’ve been walking all over peoples’ privacy and free speech rights for several years now and nobody has raised much of a fuss. I find it hard to believe that anybody is going to give a bat’s ass about this.”

DHS officials are particularly concerned about the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday and keeping track of turkeys that will be traveling to millions of kitchens across the country. In an effort to increase security, the Minutemen volunteer group that has been patrolling the U.S. southern border will surround Alabama with orders to shoot turkeys attempting to leave the state unless they have been admitted into the “guest gobbler” program.

In related news, President Bush was whisked from the podium today after demonstrating an acute misunderstanding of the issue and appearing to taunt the flu.

“We’ve got to stop this before it spreads from Avians to birds and from birds to humans and minorities. But I’ll tell you what, I know there are some birds who feel like that the conditions are such that they can attack us here. My answer is bring them on,” said Bush.

At that point, the President’s microphone was abruptly cut off and Secret Service Agents escorted the clearly bewildered Bush away from the media. Press Secretary Scott McClellan later explained “we don’t comment on ongoing operations, and, around here, choking the chicken is a full-time operation.”

Editor’s Note: Please excuse the Muse for reporting fantasy. As a Fairly Unbalanced Journalist, it’s his calling.

Haven’t caught it yet, try Pandemic Madness ‘04: “Operation Blessed Placebo“

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