Rove out, Rover in.
This President listens to the American people, and the American people are telling us that “we’ve done enough already.”
EWM - (November 9, 2005) A White House in the grip of chaos veered sharply toward the bizarre today as Bush’s Scottish Terrier Barney was named to replace Karl Rove and a scaled down agenda was announced that includes a “war on gingivitis” and plans to attack and occupy Aruba.
White House Counsel and failed Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers was named as Barney’s replacement in an “acting” capacity.
Chief of Staff Andy Card made the announcement at this morning’s press briefing after Press Secretary Scott McClellan fell to the floor convulsing wildly and gurgling what sounded like the words “can’t comment, ongoing” over and over.
“This President listens to the American people,” said Card. “And the American people are telling us that ‘we’ve done enough already.’ Since we’ve still got three years to kill, we are proudly advancing a new agenda based on getting the most out of lowered expectations. Oh, and the dog thing was his idea,” added Card.
Rove’s departure was considered a fait accompli, but replacing him with a canine set Washington tongues a wagging. “The only thing Fitzgerald has on Barney is a misdemeanor feces charge and he’s not going to indict on that. This was the one crony Bush could appoint and know he’s not going to talk. Kind of ingenious in a simple-minded way,” said Weekly Standard Editor Bill Kristol.
The new Bush agenda was met with unprecedented bipartisanship on Capitol Hill. A joint statement issued by House and Senate leaders from both parties said simply: “What the fuck?”
Under Bush’s new priorities, the “War on Terror” will be replaced by a war on gingivitis and thousands of Homeland Security personnel will distribute dental floss to the public; Iraq will be abandoned and the Task Force Baghdad will immediately begin the bombardment and occupation of Aruba; and value of the dollar will be tripled in order to bring the cost of a gallon of gasoline under $1.
In a move that is certain to generate controversy, FEMA will become the “Fashion Emergency Management Agency.” The idea came to Bush upon learning in a post-action report on Hurricane Katrina that Director Michael Brown had performed like a “fashion god.” A source close to Bush says he hopes the agency will be a conservative alternative to “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.”
Meanwhile, a group of Republicans led by disgruntled Senator Trent Lott is drafting a resolution offering Bush a buyout on the remainder of his term in exchange for a Medal of Freedom and three flights on a Navy F-18.
Editor’s Note: Please excuse the Muse for reporting fantasy. As a Fairly Unbalanced Journalist, it’s his calling.
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