Bush: “Democrats Killed Jesus, Invented Disco and Drove Me to Drink”

11/12/2005

EWM- (November 12, 2005) President Bush opened a new front today in his campaign to blame critics for his failings, attacking Democrats for killing Jesus, inventing disco music and driving him to drink. Bush unleashed the barrage at a Texas Air Force base standing in front of a huge backdrop adorned with a 50-foot image of Ted Kennedy’s head.

“We are only beginning to understand the scale of the Democrats’ depravity and what it has wrought. Recently, the British government learned that Democrats met with Pontius Pilate in Jerusalem before the Crucifixion,” said Bush to the gasps of the crowd.

“We know now that disco pioneer Harry Wayne Casey, founder of KC and The Sunshine Band, was a Democrat. He nearly destroyed the best minds of a generation with that “shake your booty” drek. And I, George W. Bush, spent the first forty years of my life being a slobbering drunk to deaden the pain caused by the Democrats,” added the President, brushing aside a tear.

Back in Washington, the punditry was agog over Bush’s audacious strategy. “The President is turning the personal responsibility thing inside out,” said Professor Larry Sabato, who teaches a course in the obvious at UVA. “He’s trying to kill the messenger and the message at the same time. It’s really quite a dodge.”

Democrats came out swinging after Bush’s speech. In a statement, 2004 opponent John Kerry said, “one need look no further than 1453 and fall of Constantinople, capital of the Byzantine Empire. In many ways the President reminds me of the Ottoman Turks that perpetrated the overthrow and I challenge him to a no-holds-barred, Oxford-style debate to address his scurrilous accusations mano a mano.”

A White House source said Bush got the idea to blame the Democrats for everything from Iraq to the exploding deficit from an episode of “Tom and Jerry” in which the mischievous mouse got the cat evicted from the house by blaming him for his own misdeeds.

“If this little experiment is successful,” said our source, “we’ve got a lot more blame-shifting in the pipeline. We’re planning on blaming the Border Patrol for our lack of a coherent immigration policy, meteorologists for causing hurricanes and, my personal favorite, the Meals on Wheels program for causing the gas shortage.

In other news, Supreme Court Nominee Samuel A. Alito promised Senators that if he’s confirmed he will recuse himself from hearing any cases relating to the prosecution of any president that chose him to be a Justice.

Editor’s Note: Please excuse the Muse for reporting fantasy. As a Fairly Unbalanced Journalist, it’s his calling.

More Musings. A White House goes to the dogs “Rove out, Rover in.”

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