Schmidt calls Bush Coward after President Pardons Turkey

11/22/2005

EWM- (November 22, 2005) Freshman Representative “Mean” Jean Schmidt (R-OH) stood on the floor of the House of Representatives today and called President Bush a coward for pardoning the White House Thanksgiving turkey.

“A real man would choke that bird with his bare hands. Cowards pardon and run, real men never do,” said Schmidt. Last week the Ohio Republican drew boos and hisses by calling decorated war veteran Rep. John Murtha (D-PA) a “coward” after he recommended withdrawing from Iraq.

This time Schmidt’s words prompted a melee that resulted in several minor injuries. Rep. Barney Frank (D-MA) was treated for bite wounds after he was pushed into the Republican Cloakroom by four deputy whips and assaulted. He will undergo rabies shots as a precaution.

Once order was restored, Schmidt began rambling about eating raw giblets and refused to relinquish the floor. Speaker Dennis Hastert engaged in a heated colloquy with her that was later stricken from the Congressional record:

Hastert: (Pounding gavel) The House will be in order! Will the gentlewoman yield?

Schmidt: Never!

Hastert: I said will the gentlewoman yield?

Schmidt: Eat me!

Hastert: Why won’t the gentlewoman yield?

Schmidt: Because I’m a man you idiot! Call me a gentleman and I’ll yield!

At this point Capitol Police shot Schmidt with a tranquilizer dart and dragged her off the floor.

Schmidt’s spokesman later downplayed the incident saying “those were not Jean’s words. She was reading a post from a BDSM message board she frequents. Representative Schmidt does not think the President is a coward or a turkey. And her gender confusion is simply the result of stress.”

Meanwhile, the White House ritual of pardoning the turkey also took an unexpected turn when a reporter attempted to question Bush about prewar intelligence and the President tried to escape through a window in the Oval Office. Finding the window locked, Bush broke it with a bust of FDR, tripping an alarm and causing the Department of Homeland Security to order the evacuation of Washington, D.C.

Editor’s Note: Please excuse the Muse for reporting fantasy. As a Fairly Unbalanced Journalist, it’s his calling.

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