Canine Conspiracy

3/22/2006

EWM- (March 22, 2006) Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld flummoxed the Pentagon press corps and ignited a political firestorm today by blaming the dog pictured menacing an Iraqi prisoner in Abu Ghraib that led to handler Sgt. Michael J. Smith being convicted of prisoner abuse.

“I mean come on, look at that taut leash, the dog’s lunging posture, its snarling zeal. That dog is out of control. It’s something we don’t like to talk about, but the fact is you go to war with the dogs you have, not the dogs you wish you had. This is clearly a case of rogue mutts soiling an otherwise perfectly executed war plan,” said Rumsfeld during the testy briefing.

Rumsfeld’s denunciation of the dog was immediately seized upon by Bush supporters seeking to blame anyone but the President for failings in Iraq and beyond.

“I tell you friends the country has gone to the dogs and its time for ditto heads everywhere to howl with indignation,” said Rush Limbaugh on his syndicated radio program. “It’s high time we put these pooches on a shorter leash.”

Bill O’Reilly joined in the dog bashing by suggesting that immigration policy was to blame. “Did you watch that liberal orgy they call the ‘Westminster Dog Show?’ What do you see? French Poodles, German Shepherds, Tibetan Terriers–even Afghan Hounds. America haters the world over are plotting to overthrow Bush by training tail-wagging terrorists to make us look bad.”

The canine conspiracy controversy also led to a bizarre sequence on Fox’s Hannity & Colmes as the hosts attempted to interview a 120-pound Doberman Pinscher. When it failed to respond to Sean Hannity’s accusation that a dog from the Army’s canine unit had eaten the orders for additional body armor and was responsible for American troops being sent into battle ill-equipped, Hannity began barking wildly at the animal. The dog became agitated and bit off Hannity’s left ear and Fox was forced to switch to a commercial when it mounted and attempted to copulate with Alan Colmes.

The opportunity to shift the blame for a failed Iraq policy was not lost on White House political advisor Karl Rove who immediately ordered that the Bush’s Scottish Terriers, Barney and Miss Beazley, be sent Guantanamo Bay prison for indefinite detention.

A spokesman for the American Kennel Association downplayed the controversy noting that “some days you’re the dog and some days you’re the hydrant.

Editor’s Note: Please excuse the Muse for reporting fantasy. As a Fairly Unbalanced Journalist, it’s his calling.

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