Fe Fi Faux Fun

3/25/2006

Fox Adds Five Cable Channels

EWM- (March 25, 2006) Rupert Murdoch’s media empire expanded today with the announcement that its wildly successful Fox News franchise has spawned five new cable channels. The quintet is devoted to 24/7 coverage of various themes that have made Fox a ratings bonanza.

The plans were revealed in a celebrity-studded Times Square event in which master of ceremonies Dick Cheney shot a stage hand holding down a shroud covering giant billboards promoting the stations. As the worker fell bleeding onto Broadway Avenue, the curtain rose on a new era of cable news.

“We reported and our viewers decided,” said Murdoch. “If it’s car chases, missing blondes and non-stop liberal bashing they want, that’s what we’re going to give them. We may be branching out, but when you see the obnoxious graphics, leggy Stepford wife anchors and self-righteous indignation, you’ll know it’s Fox.”

Attendees at the event were treated to a live debut of the “Bill O’Reilly Home Shopping Network.” The channel’s namesake ran onto the stage wearing a designer “B.O. Factor Wife-Beater” tee-shirt and hawked wares ranging from the “No-spin Falafel Maker” to hands-free telephone headsets and American flag-adorned shower caps.

Other new Fox offerings include:

The Car Chase Channel Designed for the demographic that is tired of having their car chases interrupted by “real” news, this station provides non-stop, fair and balanced coverage of car chases anywhere in the world. Enhanced chase coverage includes slow-motion instant replays of collisions, pedestrians being squashed and–everyone’s favorite–cornered perps being wrestled to the ground and zapped senseless by taser guns.

The Damsels in Distress Channel If you like your damsels Caucasian, well-healed, and missing, this channel is for you. Hosted by Greta Van Susteren, the show features endless photo slide-shows of the crime victims that matter most, complete with blathering commentary from retired cops with no connection whatsoever to the investigations of the unsolved disappearances.

The “It’s Christmas Goddamnit!” Channel John Gibson hosts this 365-day-a-year mock outrage fest over the demise of the phrase “Merry Christmas.” In the inaugural program, Gibson leads a goon squad into Macy’s Department Store to pummel perfume-shilling young girls that greet customers by saying “Happy Holidays!”

The “I Hate Hillary” Channel The flagship of the new offerings, “IHHC” is a non-stop interactive call-in program that invites viewers to submit myths, mockery and misogynistic rants against the liberal vixen. The pilot episode, “She’s Not One of Us,” features a telepathic genealogist with “proof” that Hillary is a distant cousin of Osama Bin Laden.

The full slate of new Fox channels premiers on cable services nationally April 1, 2006.

Editor’s Note: Please excuse the Muse for reporting fantasy. As a Fairly Unbalanced Journalist, it’s his calling.

Need More? Rummy’s got the Abu Ghraib blues and he’s blaming it on the dogs in “Canine Conspiracy.”

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