Tancredo Calls for Catapult to Return Aliens

3/30/2006

Give me your hungry, your tired your poor I’ll piss on ‘em
That’s what the statue of bigotry says
Your poor huddled masses, let’s club ‘em to death
And get it over with and just dump ‘em on the boulevard

Lou Reed, Dirty Boulevard

EWM- (March 30, 2006) Anti-immigrant firebrand Representative Tom Tancredo (R-CO) said today that he’s looking forward to the upcoming House-Senate conference to reconcile differences in the immigration bill and will seek to add provisions that will make the final version even tougher.

“We’re going to build a wall to keep them out and I’m proposing a catapult to send those already here back,” said Tancredo, “when those alien rascals see their amigos being returned via airmail, they’ll think twice about climbing my wall to come here and take our jobs.”

Tancredo dismissed the notion that most undocumented workers were taking jobs that would otherwise go unfilled and that the U.S. economy was thriving, in part, due to the cut-rate labor provided by the immigrants.

“What you blue-blooded Americans fail to realize is that our immigration reform bill will provide a huge economic stimulus. For starters, it’ll cost a king’s ransom to build the wall, and then we’re going to enlist a ‘million minuteman militia’ to march across America and round-up the illegals. It’ll make a hell of a TV reality show–sort of ‘Cops’ vigilante style–and we’ll sell the rights. The federal coffers will overflow, I can’t wait.”

When a reporter suggested that Tancredo’s proposals were xenophobic, the congressman became enraged.

“That’s a mighty big word and I’m not sure what it means, but let me tell you a thing or two about history. This melting pot business is a big crockpot of shit. We’ve played footsie with the foreigners for 230 years in this country and what did it get us? Montezuma’s revenge, German measles, Asian flu and Dutch elm disease–they’re a scourge I tell you!

It’s high time we took a lead from the Commies and built ourselves a Berlin wall. To paraphrase my hero Ronald Reagan, ‘Mr. Bush, build up that wall.’”

Told that Reagan granted amnesty to resident aliens in 1986, Tancredo turned beet red and began croaking something that sounded like “must destroy alien life forms,” at which point aides escorted him from the podium.

In a related development, Tancredo withdrew legislation that called for digging moats along the U.S.’s Atlantic and Pacific coastlines when he learned the oceans were already filled with water.

Editor’s Note: Please excuse the Muse for reporting fantasy. As a Fairly Unbalanced Journalist, it’s his calling.

Proof that truth in the Bush Adminstration is stranger than fiction. Read, “Stand up for Liberty: Piss in Your Yard.”

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