Bush to Appoint Secretary of Vilification

4/2/2006

EWM- (April 2, 2006) Eyewitness Muse has learned that the jettisoning of Chief of Staff Andrew Card was but a harbinger of a major shake-up planned by President Bush in an effort to right his rudderless presidency.

Phase II of “Operation 2008 Can’t Come Soon Enough” will involve the creation of a post designed to put out existing fires and resurrect a legacy that’s horrendous even before it exists. The appointment of a Secretary of Vilification will consolidate scapegoating efforts and attempt to bring competence to what is widely seen as a ham-handed effort to shift the blame for a litany of foreign and domestic policy debacles.

“The concept of a Department of Vilification was Dubya’s,” said a source so secret our communication was conducted through soup cans and a string. “It came to him after that news conference when a reporter asked him if he’d ever made a mistake and it caught him so off guard that he soiled his Underoos searching for an answer.

Bush demanded that we immediately create a mechanism that would provide ready excuses and fall guys for all of our fuck-ups. Problem is, we’re so damn dysfunctional it has taken a year to get around to it,” said our source.

Asked if the Secretary of State’s comment that the Administration had committed “thousands of tactical mistakes” was an exaggeration, our source did not demur.

“Look, it would help if Condi would quit running her yap, but she nailed it. If anything, she lowballed it. We’ve botched so many things that finding someone to blame for them has become an overwhelming job.

“When you look at cluster-fucks like the Valeria Plame affair, Katrina response, UAE port deal, and the mother of all misjudgments–the Harriet Miers nomination–it is obvious that we aren’t any better at finding scapegoats than we are running the country. It is time to bring a real culpability specialist on board.”

Our source confided that when finding someone to blame for Bush’s colossal blunders, the current staff is out of its league.

“Take Scott McClellan. The kid’s a master at obfuscation, and his moon-faced audacity is second to none–but when it comes time to point fingers, well let’s just say he tends to have his thumb up his ass. Rummy? Please. When he blamed prisoner abuse at Abu Grhaib on the military dogs we knew he was imploding. And the Vice President, his answer to everything is ‘just shoot the bastard.’”

Possible nominees for Secretary of Vilification are being carefully vetted as the Administration wants to avoid a messy Senate confirmation. An early frontrunner is British Prime Minister Tony Blair who “ought to be good at this because Bush’s bungling is going to cost him his current gig.”

Editor’s Note: Please excuse the Muse for reporting fantasy. As a Fairly Unbalanced Journalist, it’s his calling.

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