In Her Dreams: Coulter Converses with God

4/11/2006

Lick my boots puny man…you look so pretty in your Easter dress. Say it Colmes. “Yes Mistress Ann, I’ve been a bad liberal and I need to be spanked.”

You heard him Sean, whack him again–turn his Democrat ass red as Alabama. “Yes Mistress Ann, you heard her Alan…bottoms up. Whack! “Ahhhhhhhh, it hurts, it hurts, please make him stop, I promise I won’t vote for Hillary!”

“Um, excuse me Ann.”

Another! Whack! “Ahhhhhhhh!”

“Ann, it’s God, please stop that.”

Bugger off!

“Ann, I’m serious, STOP THAT!”

Who are you? Get out of my dream.

“Ann, it’s God godamnit! Pay attention. Who are those guys?”

God? Oh my God. I’m sorry. That’s Hannity and Colmes.

“Why is the big guy wearing a garter belt and nylons?”

Sean, oh, he’s uh, proving a point to liberals, by uh…

“Well tell him to put some pants on and get the hell out of here. We need to talk.”

Oh, yes Sir, I mean your Holiness. I mean…

“Whatever. Ann, we need to talk about your new book, I believe it’s called ‘Godless.’”

Um, I’m not sure what you’re talking about.

“Ann, your lies don’t work with me, I’m omnipotent. Besides, I saw it on Amazon. I’d like to know where you get off casting judgment on the ‘godliness’ of any member of my flock–let alone millions of them.”

I, uh, was just having fun, you know, playing devil’s advocate…no, check that, I mean…

“Ann, I am well aware of your affinity for the dark side. But this time you’ve gone too far. Last time I looked, these liberals you call ‘Godless’ seem to care a lot more about the poor, sick, and downtrodden than those damn Republicans you’re always sucking up to. Do you know the first thing about charity?”

I believe it’s a tax deduction.

“Exactly my point. Ann have you ever thought about that little ditty that says ‘and if I die before I wake’"?

I pray the Lord my soul to take?

“Yeah, that one. I gotta tell you, I’m a kind and forgiving God, but I have a tough time taking in souls with a messiah complex–confuses the Angels you know.”

Oh no God please, don’t cast me into eternal damnation, I’ll be good, I promise!

“Ann, it’s not about the promises, it’s about the deeds. It’s not about who you put down, it’s about who you lift up. Am I getting through to you?”

Yes God, yes. I’ll change. I’ll spread love. I’ll stop gagging myself after eating. I’ll…

RING…RING…RING…RING

Hello.

“Good morning Ms. Coulter, it’s your wake-up service. The limo will be here in 30 minutes, you’re due on Fox & Friends at 7:45.”

Oh, thanks. I was having a terrible nightmare.

“Excuse me?”

Who is that? Who said that?

“Ann, it’s God again. Just one more thing.”

What?

“You are such a bitch.”

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