Mother’s Day Calls Prompt NSA Alert

5/15/2006

“The chatter was off the charts.”

EWM- (May 15, 2006) Lights were burning into the wee hours at the National Security Agency last night as spooks and spies monitored a deluge of domestic phone calls occurring throughout Sunday. An unofficial tally put the call spike in the “tens of millions.”

“The chatter was off the charts,” said NSA terror-call cartographer Alex Ghrambell. “It can only mean one thing. Get out the duct tape, we are doomed.”

Bush Administration officials were frantically reconnoitering this morning trying to determine whether to put the nation on a higher threat alert status, have the President declare marshal law, or propose another tax cut. Others were not so sure.

“Did anyone mention to them that it was Mother’s Day? I know these guys think Al Qaeda is lurking in every aspect of our daily lives, but the rash of calls yesterday may have an innocent explanation,” said a Democratic Congressman who asked not be to identified so he wouldn’t be considered “soft on terror.”

“Yeah, and I believe that Tokyo Rose was a mother too. Should we have let her off the hook? We’re fighting a war on terror here, mothers and liberties be damned,” said NSA phone-tap guru and CIA Director nominee General Michael Hayden. “Our next step is to identify those that received an inordinate number of calls yesterday and go rough them up. A little water board action will loosen their tongues.”

Meanwhile, a grandmother from Ohio became incensed upon being told she’d been added to a watch list. “Excuse my French, but these people have lost their fucking minds. I got 27 grandchildren that called and not a single one of them knows a jihad from a jockstrap. First I got people feeling me up at the airport, now they’re monitoring my calls. Next thing you know they’ll want to know what books I checked out from the library…”

Editor’s Note: Please excuse the Muse for reporting fantasy. As a Fairly Unbalanced Journalist, it’s his calling.

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