Intercepted: GOP Foley Crisis Chatroom


EWM- (Oct. 10, 2006) It now can be revealed that moments before the resignation of disgraced Congressman Mark Foley a “crisis chat” took place among Foley and party leaders on the GOP’s ultra-high tech instant messaging system. Through methods deemed by the Bush administration to be both constitutional and within the Geneva Conventions, EWM hacked the party server and obtained the IMs.

At considerable risk, EWM is printing their on-line discussion complete with the screen names used by the participants.

GOP Private Chatroom, Friday, Sept. 29, 2006. 1:30 p.m.

TheMadHastert: Well gentlemen, it would appear that the fag’s out of the bag, so to speak. Mark, please explain.

Maf54: Easy with the name-calling big boy. At least I have a hot bod, you look like Jabba the Hut in a fucking necktie.

TheMadHastert: Whatever…just explain.

Maf54: Those brutes at ABC have some overly friendly emails I sent to the pages.

ReynoldsRap: Ah, shit Mark. I told you at least 20 times to stop that.

Maf54: It was 23, but who’s counting? Besides, I put a hundred large into your little Republican reelection committee and agreed to play congressman for two more years. Can’t a gal have a little fun?

HammerTime: Mark you’re not a gal and the pages are not for diddling. Now shut up and listen to your leader.

ThrobbingBoehner: Excuse me Mr. DeLay, I’m the leader now. You had to quit because you’re under indictment.

HammerTime: Don’t remind me. You guys run the place like a road-side attraction. BTW, are there any pictures of Foley with Ronnie Earle?

TheMadHastert: One disaster at a time Tom. We have to tell the Vice President. I’ll get him on line.

BigDick: Big Dick here.

Maf54: Love your handle.

BigDick: Fuck off Foley. Why don’t you go back to chasing pages?

ReynoldsRap: Um, that’s the problem Mr. Vice President. Brian Ross over at ABC has Mark’s dirty emails.

BigDick: IMHO you should shoot the fucker in the face.

TheDecider: Hey Big Dick, I’m on the Internets!

ALL: Mr. President?

TheDecider: Yeah, IT hooked me up. Just emailed Ahmadinejad a picture of my ass–took it on the copier, old trick from my drinking days.

HammerTime: Uh, Mr. President, we’re having a kind of personal conversation here, and I think in the name of deniability you should log off.

TheDecider: Now wait a damn…

BigDick: He’s gone, I pulled the plug. Works every time.

Macacawitz: Hi everyone sorry I’m late.

ThrobbingBoehner: What now? No Senator Allen, your crisis chat is tonight, this is the chat about Congressman Foley’s page problem.

Macacawitz: Wow, that sounds bad. Was she black?

Maf54: No silly, a boy.

Macacawitz: Was he a Jew?

TheMadHastert: Goddamnit, could we get back to the pages it’s almost lunch time.

HammerTime: Great idea. Here’s what you do, just follow my lead. Denny you blame it all on your staff and Mark you resign.

Maf54: Can I still come to the House gym?

MayorNey: Sure, I had to give up the House Administration Committee and resign from office after that asshole Abramoff ratted me out. Now I hang out there all the time, told everyone I was in rehab.

Jackoff: That’s brilliant! Tell them you were drunk Mark.

TheMadHastert: Jack Abramoff? How did you get on here?

Jackoff: I’m everywhere fat boy, and don’t you forget it.

TheMadHastert: Hit the road Jack! Let’s get on message. Mark do you have a drinking problem?

ReynoldsRap: He does now. Foley just resign and go to the drunk tank. Shit, now I’m going to have to go to Buffalo and have a news conference to deny all this. I better round up some kids for a backdrop. I’m out.

TheDukester: Try sobbing for the press Reynolds. I used that trick when I had to cop a plea.

ThrobbingBoehner: Well if it isn’t Duke Cunningham, how the hell are you? BTW, I thought you were in prison.

TheDukester: I am, got a job in the computer lab. Me and the other prisoners hacked the Appropriations Committee and we’re inserting an earmark for a bunker-buster bomb. Gonna get the hell out of here. Nice fellows these prisoners. They call me “Neocon.” LOL

HammerTime: Yeah, real funny Duke. Back to Foley, what the hell are we going to do people?

TheMadHastert: First, I’m going to go eat, then I’ll tell the press I never talked to any of you and I’ll blame it on Nancy Pelosi and George Soros. Then I’ll have dinner.

TheDecider: I’m back, somebody unplugged me.

BigDick: I’ll look into that Mr. President. As long as you’re here, I think you are owed an apology. Congressman Foley, your ass grabbing is going to cost us the congress and we’ll be shitting subpoenas till 2008. I think you should tell the President how you feel.

Maf54: A little horny ;- )

Editor’s Note: Please excuse the Muse for reporting fantasy. As a Fairly Unbalanced Journalist, it’s his calling.

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