Bush Enters Rhetorical Rehab


EWM- (Oct. 24, 2006) EWM has learned that after being stung by the embarrassment over the President’s claim that he’s “never been stay the course” after saying “stay the course” dozens of times to describe his policy in Iraq, White House Chief of Staff Josh Bolten led an intervention that resulted in George W. Bush entering a rhetorical rehab center.

An insider with knowledge of the situation said, “it was long overdue. The man is walking bafflegab. He’s taken the giant step of admitting he has a problem and with the love and support of his inner circle, he’ll get through this.”

White House officials have taken the extraordinary measure of fitting Bush with a shock collar that will be controlled by Press Secretary Tony Snow. The device administers a two-hundred volt jolt whenever the President begins to say something Snow considers stupid.

Dr. Strunken White, founder of the Center for the Rhetorically Challenged and Idiots, where Bush is receiving treatment, said the shock collar won’t cause “permanent” damage. “People at the lowest end of the intelligence scale rarely end up dumber as a result of the electricity, so the President is an ideal candidate. But he’ll probably have to wear a diaper.”

Dr. White played down concerns that the sight of Bush spasmodically trying to complete a sentence would cause international unease. “The only visible side effect to the patient is a clueless expression and a faraway gaze. Quite honestly, we could hardly tell the difference when we tested it on the President.”

In addition to curing Bush of saying things that are laughably false, the rehabilitation will involve intense therapy to correct syntax and diction. “I predict that by the end of his term, the President will be able recite the ‘fool me once’ parable and even pronounce the word ‘peninsula.’ We may have to do a tongue reduction, but we’re confident we’ll have him up to paragraphs within a year.”

Asked if the treatment would correct the President’s propensity to say things at odds with the facts, Dr. White grew testy. “You have to recognize the limitations of medical science. We do what we can, but we can’t play God.”

Editor’s Note: Please excuse the Muse for reporting fantasy. As a Fairly Unbalanced Journalist, it’s his calling.

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