DNC Votes to Ball gag Kerry

11/1/2006

RNC Launches $50 million Campaign Calling Dems Kinky

EWM- (Nov. 1, 2006) In the final step toward ceding the 2004 election debate to the customary mindless irrelevancy, leaders from both major parties announced plans that will occupy the media and stupefy the public for the final week of the campaign.

The Democrats plan to issue a ball gag to Sen. John Kerry (D-Misstate), whose inept stand-up comedy skills led to him insulting troops rather than his intended target–the inept President who is getting them killed.

DNC Chairman Howard Dean led the committee to act quickly on the problem. “I volunteered for this experimental treatment after suggesting all southerners drive pick-ups with Confederate flags and guns racks and it worked great!” To prove his point to reporters, Dean tried on the gag to demonstrate the technique. “Muupphh, onnnk, kaaaack,” he said.

Seizing the moment, RNC Chairman Ken Mehlman announced a $50 million ad campaign to exploit the Kerry gag. “This works on two levels,” he told reporters at a hastily arranged news conference. “Since the Foley thing, the public has been a little concerned about our ‘little boy problem’ and it keeps the Democrats from talking about ‘Iraq, Iraq, Iraq.’ Our polling shows the public hates it when we get their kids killed or grab their asses, so this one’s a double banger, excuse the pun.”

The GOP ad will feature Republican porn actress and one-time gubernatorial candidate Mary Carey standing in front of the U.S. Capitol, nude except for strategically placed stars and strips. In the ad, the buxom actress says, “as a life long Republican, I know sleaze and as a porn star, I know kinky. And I’m here to tell America that John Kerry and the Democrats are in no position to take back Congress!”

The scene then cuts to show a Kerry look-alike actor gagged and bound spread eagle beneath the suggestively phallic Washington Monument as Carey dons a strap-on and proclaims, “Republican dominance forever!”

Asked if the ad might be too much for children in prime-time, Mehlman said, “To the contrary, we plan to display a hotline for applicants to our page program. After all, we do want the young ones to join our party.”

Editor’s Note: Please excuse the Muse for reporting fantasy. As a Fairly Unbalanced Journalist, it’s his calling.

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