Fox in a Funk, Grief Counselors Dispatched


Election Results Puncture Propaganda Machine

EWM- (Nov. 12, 2006) Fox News President Roger Ailes has had enough of the pall that’s infected his staff since Republicans were swept from power in Tuesday’s elections and is dispatching grief counselors in an effort to restore “the rapture of the right.”

“We were hanging in there till Sen. Allen conceded. Then, it was awful, Neal Cavuto had been rubbing his little Macaca troll doll for good luck, but when the Senate was lost, he just collapsed in sobs. I knew it had reached critical mass when I walked by the fax machine that evening saw that no one had bothered to pick up Karl Rove’s talking points. That’s when I decided to call in the pros,” said Ailes.

Speaking on the condition of anonymity, a counselor told EWM the scene was as bad as she’d ever encountered. “You know that Brit Hume guy? I’ve never seen anything like it. He’s so divorced from reality that he thinks he’s a frog. He just stares at a picture of Nancy Pelosi and periodically goes ‘ribbet.’ We’re prescribing heavy tranqs.”

At least Fox knows Hume’s whereabouts. Sean Hannity was last seen staggering off his set, a bottle of Bushmills in hand. His partner Alan Colmes, sporting a gruesome black eye he claimed he received from “walking into a door,” declined comment on Hannity’s state of mind.

Even news that department stores were scrapping the “Happy Holidays” greeting in favor of “Merry Christmas” could not cheer the inconsolable John Gibson. “There is no Christmas this year,” whimpered Gibson, “Santa brought us donkey dung.”

Most disturbingly, Fox contributor Col. Oliver North was turned away from Fox’s Washington Bureau when he arrived in full military regalia carrying a rocket he’d stored in his basement from his Iran Contra days saying, “I’m going to the DNC, who’s with me?” Fortunately security guards were able to subdue him with a stun gun.

The only Fox personality oblivious to the Republican wreckage was Bill O’Reilly who is preoccupied with launching a line of O’Reilly Culture Warrior action figures in time for the holidays. Asked about the election results, the Spin Factor host said, “They’re all popinjays, there is only one true God of the right and that spin stops here baby.”

In a related development, Ailes announced that former Rep. Gary Condit (D-Ca) will replace Washington Correspondent Carl Cameron in an effort to put a Democratic face on Fox coverage. “It seemed like the fair and balanced thing to do. Gary is a well-known Democrat and viewers should be reminded of who’s in charge on the Hill now,” said Ailes.

Editor’s Note: Please excuse the Muse for reporting fantasy. As a Fairly Unbalanced Journalist, it’s his calling.

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