Beilein Diagnosed with Rare Employment Disorder

4/3/2007

EWM- (April 3, 2007, Ann Arbor, Michigan) – Newly hired basketball coach John Beilein had not even settled into his new office before University of Michigan officials made the shocking discovery that their new mentor suffers from the rare and incurable employment disorder “hiremeitis.”

Michigan Athletic Director Bill Martin realized something was wrong when Beilein failed to appear at his introductory news conference today and was found in the University’s human resources department applying for a vacancy as a professor in animal husbandry.

“It’s safe to say we’d hoped for a smoother transition,” said Martin. “We thought we were getting a pretty good basketball coach, but what we got is a $3.5 million basket case.”

UM officials placed an emergency call to famed sports psychologist Dr. Sigmund Jockstrapian, who made the chilling diagnosis. “It’s important to realize that Coach Beilein is a victim in this. Hiremeitis is a heinous disease characterized by an overwhelming compulsion to seek any and every job that becomes available. Sadly, there is no cure.”

Dr. Jockstrapian added that the only worse case of Hiremeitis he’s seen was in former Carolina Cougar, Denver Nugget, UCLA Bruin, Kansas Jayhawk, San Antonio Spurs, Los Angeles Clipper, Indiana Pacer, Philadelphia 76ers, Detroit Piston, and New York Knickerbockers coach Larry Brown.

In rare instances, Hiremeitis is know to be contagious and may explain why Beilein’s West Virginia University colleague, football coach Rich Rodriguez, was smitten with the University of Alabama’s football opening last year. “Coach Rodriguez’s case was discovered in its early stages,” explained Dr. Jockstrapian. “They were able to combat the disease with a massive infusion of dollars, however Coach Beilein’s Hiremeitis is at ’stage four,’ there’s really nothing that can be done. I’m afraid the Wolverines have themselves a head coach with a chronic wandering eye.”

Meanwhile in Morgantown, WVU officials were stunned to discover thousands of visits to Monster.com on Beilein’s computer and plan legal action to try and cover the cost of three million copies of Beilein’s curricula vitale that he charged to his athletic department credit card at a local Kinkos.

“I’m ready to slap that SOB cross-eyed,” said WVU Athletic Director Ed Pastilong. “First he won’t return my calls and leaves me looking like a stooge in front of the media. Then he skips town and leaves me with three million resumes and a huge bill, yeah, I’m plenty pissed-off and you can quote me on that.”

EWM’s calls to Beilein’s agent were forwarded to a Holiday Inn Express in Latvia where he is said to be in negations with that nation’s athletic ministry for the head basketball position on the Latvian National Women’s team. “Yeah, this one’s a knee-slapper,” quipped sports agent Morley Overunder. “I tried to tell him that this is a vacancy for a women’s team, but he just screamed ‘it’s an opening and I want it and you get it, besides if those players are women you could have fooled me.’”

A decision on the Latvian job is expect by this weekend.

Editor’s Note: Please excuse the Muse for reporting fantasy. As a Fairly Unbalanced Journalist, it’s his calling.

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