Punishment: Imus Agrees to Become Nappy-Headed Ho

4/11/2007

EWM- (April 11, 2007, New York, NY) – In what some are calling an act of desperation and others say is a cry for help, disgraced disc jockey Don Imus has agreed to become a “nappy-headed ho” during his two-week suspension for referring to the Rutgers women’s basketball team by that epithet.

The move comes as damage control efforts have only served to worsen Imus’ crisis. The deal was worked out with the blessing of Reverends Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson, who noted that, “It will accomplish nothing. But seeing Imus in drag giving hand-jobs to degenerates will be funny as hell.”

Imus capitulated to the idea of becoming a prostitute after losing his last sponsor, organic urinal cake manufacturer “Ura-Natural.” The company said in a press release that it could no longer have its product associated with such base humor.

“I’m way past desperate,” said Imus. “I figured since I sucked myself into this mess maybe I can suck my way out of it.”

Imus’ sentence will be overseen by a pimp known only by his street name “Karma.” The operation will be called “Phallus in the Morning.” Offerings include “the lip service” in which Imus pleasures derelicts through a glory hole in a gas station men’s room and the “foot in the mouth” for podiatric fetishists.

To play the part, Imus’ trademark unruly locks will be permed with battery acid and he’ll be fitted in a pink sequined mini-dress and six-inch stilettos. Imus had requested a cowgirl motif, but Karma demurred. “That Imus be living in another age, he thinking all about that Midnight Cowboy shit–with modern ho’s, it be all wham-bam-thanky-ma’am, and collect da’ cash,” he said.

A huckster to the end, Imus has arranged for his reparations to be sponsored by “Enviro-rubbers” a new line of organic compost-safe prophylactics. The sponsorship agreement calls for Imus to deliver a live pitch for the product to his “Johns” when his mouth is not otherwise occupied.

Editor’s Note: Please excuse the Muse for reporting fantasy. As a Fairly Unbalanced Journalist, it’s his calling.

For a serious take on this, see: “Slime Us in the Morning“

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