Gonzo Goes Whacko


Will Plead “Insanity” at Senate USA Firing Hearing

EWM- (April 18, 2007, Washington, DC) – EWM has learned that Attorney General Alberto Gonzales will testify that he cannot be held responsible for mismanaging the process that led to the firings of eight U.S. Attorneys because he’s insane.

The move comes in the wake of news that Democrats are considering granting immunity to Gonzales aide Monica M. Goodling, who has threatened to plead the Fifth Amendment if called to testify, and the statements of the AG’s chief of staff that conflict with Gonzales’ recollection of events leading to the firings.

“Well, it’s a hail Mary, to be sure, but what else have we got?” said a source on Gonzales’ defense team. “It was his idea, actually. When I told him his claim that he was not involved in any discussions about what was going on was nuts, he leaped up and screamed, ‘that’s it! I’m nuttier than a Squirrel Nut Zipper bar.’”

Confronted with the news, Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Patrick Leahy was dumbstruck. “If I said this is crazy, I’d be playing right into his hands. At this point I’ll defer any comment until he testifies.” The panel’s ranking Republican, Sen. Arlen Specter, spoke at length about Gonzales’ gambit, but said nothing worth quoting.

Pajamas and paper slippers

To bolster his defense, Gonzales will appear at the hearing wearing pajamas “with a little red elephant pattern” and paper slippers. An aide will be positioned nearby with a drool cup for heightened effect.

“If you’ll excuse the pun, he’s been working like a fool on this act,” said our source. “This morning he climbed the statue of Lady Justice and when visitors entered the building he’d pull back the curtain John Ashcroft had installed to cover her breast and scream ‘now show me yours.’”

Statement delivered in Pig Latin

Meanwhile committee staffers are racing against the clock to translate Gonzales’ opening statement, which arrived at their offices last night written entirely in Pig Latin. The Committee has not released the full text but a source familiar with the document said it is entitled: “isthay asway arlKay ove’sRay ideaway.”

Editor’s Note: Please excuse the Muse for reporting fantasy. As a Fairly Unbalanced Journalist, it’s his calling.

But seriously folks, at what point Oval Office accountablity? “You da’ lamb,” an EWM Commentary.

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