Don’t raise the ceiling, lower the floor.


EWM - (July 15, 2011) Eyewitness Muse has learned that White House and congressional negotiators are nearing completion of a novel agreement that would bring an end to the impasse over raising the federal debt ceiling.

The plan would leave the current ceiling in place while lowering the floor from which the calculation of debt begins. Under the new accounting method, a substantial portion of the debt would be sequestered into a “sub-floor” and not counted when computing the total debt. This method would obviate the need to raise the current ceiling.

“It’s a bit deceptive,” noted a bitter, bleary-eyed staffer. “But it gets everyone out of this mess with their manhood intact. That’s what this is really all about. Raising the ceiling is a goddamn pro-forma action required by statute. But the Tea Bag crowd saw it as a way to blow-up government and Eric Cantor was happy to indulge them and Obama’s first impulse was to cave instead of call them out. What a ridiculous charade ensued,” added the staffer.

The plan, dubbed “don’t raise the ceiling, lower the floor,” because it doesn’t raise the ceiling, it lowers the floor, is being met with varied reactions. House Speaker John Boehner, eager to demonstrate relevance, called it “an historic achievement that I achieved.” President Obama says we owe it to “peas, which we ate.” But radical House Majority Leader Eric Cantor has chained himself to the table and is screaming “I’ll never agree to anything on any subject, anywhere, any time, under any circumstances.”

Participants in the negotiations from both sides of the aisle are said to be preparing to beat him senseless with garden hoses.

The plan awaits the approval of Senate leaders Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell, but both will remain in their coffins until sundown when ancient vampires can move among us.

In other news, a crowd of unemployed, homeless Americans is gathering outside the White House in hopes of receiving some peas.

Editor’s Note: Please excuse the Muse for reporting fantasy. As a Fairly Unbalanced Journalist, it is his calling.

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