Cyber-Shocker: Ashlee Simpson is a Hologram

10/26/2004

EWM - (Oct. 26, 2004) Hordes of reporters rushing to cover the Ashlee Simpson lip-sync scandal were stunned today when the songbird’s publicist admitted that she is a hologram. The flack was forced to own up to the ruse after a stagehand bumped into the device that generates the three-dimensional illusion and made it appear as if the diva was performing while suspended in mid-air during last night’s performance in Las Vegas.

Well-placed sources tell EWM that this won’t be the last embarrassing revelation. “The real bombshell is that Ashlee doesn’t even exist. She was created to satisfy the American public’s insatiable need for marginally-talented and abundantly-endowed teen pop singers. Let’s face it, the real live ones are a colossal pain in the ass,” said our source.

EWM can also reveal that the voice that famously became off-kilter during her set on Saturday Night Live actually belongs to a 42-year old transvestite living in Florida.

A Geffen Record Company official who spoke on the condition of anonymity defended the deception. “I would argue that Ashlee is the real deal. We built her to the exact specifications our research showed the public wanted. All the others–her “sister” Jessica, Brittany, Christina–they reinvent themselves with silicone, botox and collagen. Ashlee might not be real in the flesh and blood sense, but what you see is what you get.”

Despite the setback, the Geffen exec is not about to give up on the franchise. “Look, we’ll get the technical glitches ironed out and little Ashlee will be belting out more blather in no time. In the short term, we view this as an opportunity, we’ll get her to shed a few tears on Doctor Phil and do a book and she’ll be more popular than ever.”

Editor’s Note: Please excuse the Muse for reporting fantasy, but, as a Fairly Unbalanced journalist, it is his calling.

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