Exposed: Operation Blessed Placebo

11/7/2004

EWM - (Nov. 7, 2004) Federal health officials will announce this week that they have averted a pandemic by finding enough flu vaccine to inoculate the entire U.S. population. However, documents obtained exclusively by EWM show that half of the shots will actually contain Holy Water.

“Operation Blessed Placebo,” is the brainchild of a special task force made up of officials from the FDA and the President’s Office of Faith-Based Initiatives. The plan calls for placing flu vaccine labels on millions of vials of Holy Water and distributing them to the unsuspecting public.

The Bush Administration believes that the healing powers of the Holy Water will magnify the placebo effect of the shots and get the country through the crisis by Divine Intervention. Meanwhile, the public will be told that the vaccine shortage never existed and was the result of “fuzzy math.”

Confronted with the documents, a White House source agreed to talk with EWM on the condition of anonymity. The following is a transcript of the interview:

EWM: Aren’t you deceiving the American public by telling them this will make them safer when it will actually increase their risk?

WH Official: Look, if we learned anything from the Iraq thing it’s that the American people are very forgiving when it comes to being suckered. In a post 9-11 world, they know we’ll say whatever we need to say. This ‘justification’ business is so September tenth. We know what we are doing.

EWM: What you are doing is giving out vaccinations in what amounts to a lottery.

WH Official: What’s the harm? Half the people will be protected, and the other half will think they are protected. We were originally going to use saline solution, but Karl Rove suggested the Holy water. It’s a very aggressive application of applying faith-based solutions to government problems. It’s a theme you’ll be hearing a lot over the next four years.

EWM: But there’s absolutely no evidence that Holy Water prevents influenza. Only the vaccine can do that.

WH Official: Maybe so, but I think it’s fair to say that about half of the people in this country could use a little shot of Jesus Juice–and I think we all know which half that is.

The campaign will be kicked-off Friday at an event in Ohio at which President Bush will grab a syringe and personally administer shots to locals.

Editor’s Note: Please excuse the Muse for reporting fantasy, but, as a Fairly Unbalanced journalist, it is his calling.

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