FCC Fines Thomas Jefferson; Powell Unrepentant

11/17/2004

EWM - (Nov. 17, 2004) The FCC has fined Thomas P. Jefferson of Muncie, IN $500,000 for his expletive-filled tirade following a backyard-barbeque incident. Civil libertarians promptly denounced the fine and said FCC Chairman Michael K. Powell is getting out of control.

Powell fired back, asking, “what part of zero tolerance don’t you get? This crusade will stop when and only when we’ve freed the world from obscenity. Potty-mouths know they can run, but they can’t hide from the FCC.”

According to the complaint, Jefferson used the objectionable language during a six-family cookout staged at a neighbor’s aboveground pool. The FCC exerted jurisdiction because obscenities could be heard in the background when his girlfriend called 9-1-1.

Eyewitnesses say the celebration went bad when Jefferson’s palsied-Aunt Rita accidentally dumped a crock-pot of steaming baked beans onto his lap. Jefferson was wearing only a Speedo at the time.

Lucy Tootins, his quick-thinking girlfriend, immediately used her cell phone to call 9-1-1 for help. The FCC used sophisticated audio analysis to extract Jefferson’s words from the recording–a transcript of which was introduced into evidence.

[As a family Web site, EWM does not f***-around with the FCC. Therefore, the transcript has been censored to retain the integrity of the bad words, but not technically display them.]

911 Operator: This is 9-1-1, what is your emergency?

Tootins: My boyfriend got burnin’ beans on his balls!

Jefferson (background): F*** AHHH! S*** WAHHH!

911 Operator: Calm down Ma’am, are his balls literally burning or does he have an STD? It could be Chlamydia.

Jefferson (background): I kill you B****! I kill you B****!

Tootins: Just send help, please just send help!

Jefferson (background): S***, God****, Holy Jesus, F***, My D***’s on fire…

When police arrived they found Jefferson splay-legged in a lawn chair with a beer keg between his legs gushing Coors Light onto his still-steaming loins.

A cell phone camera captured the scene and the FCC is looking into additional charges against Jefferson for “participating in the transmission of a lascivious image involving alcoholic beverages.”

Meanwhile Jefferson says he will appeal and has gotten an injunction against Aunt Rita that prevents her from coming within a thousand yards of him.

Editor’s Note: Please excuse the Muse for reporting fantasy, but, as a Fairly Unbalanced journalist, it is his calling.

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