Wall Street Shocker: Martha Takes Prison Public

11/30/2004

EWM - (Nov. 30, 2004) Wall Street is abuzz over the startling news that Martha Stewart has engineered a hostile takeover at Alderson Federal Prison and plans to make the facility a publicly-traded company. According to papers filed at the SEC, seven million shares of “Martha’s Prison Manners” (ticker: MPM) common stock will be sold at an initial public offering set for December 14.

Stewart, accompanied by members of her newly formed prison gang, “The Amazon Nation,” informed the warden of the decision this morning. The group then conducted a hastily arranged press conference to announce their plans.

“Prison life suits me much better than I thought,” said Stewart. “It’s a place where being bossy is a real asset. I owned my cell mate by the second day, ran the cell block in a month, and took over the prison inside sixty days. Hard time hell, I never had it so good.”

Smiling and looking fit in her prison jumpsuit, Stewart sported fresh tattoos on her notably buff biceps. Doting silently at her side throughout the press conference was a young waif who answered to “Candy.”

“MPM will manufacture a broad line of products designed for the unique requirements of the inmate lifestyle,” said Stewart. Among the products she demonstrated were a designer comb that conveniently turns into a shiv, a toilet tank wine making kit, and the ingenious “Soap Don’t Slip” device that keeps the bar attached to your hand “to prevent those always worrisome prison shower pick-ups.”

Analysts are giddy over her new company’s prospects. “She’s a damn genius, this is the ultimate in insider trading,” said Merrill Witter, chief investment manager, Chisel Crook & Shyster.

“Inmate chic sells–where’d you think all that hairnet and baggy jeans crap came from? Kids look up to convicts. Besides, with a record U.S. prison population of 1.5 million, it’s one of the fastest-growing demographics. This is going to be bigger than Google,” added Witter.

Several of Stewart’s homies are also expected to cash in on the IPO, including “Big Grendel” Loinrotten, who is serving consecutive life terms for mutilating her cheating husband with a waffle iron. Named “chief enforcement officer,” Loinrotten choked up when describing her new life. “Before Martha, all I ever traded was cigarettes and now I be a tycoon!”

Stewart said future MPM offerings will include a tattoo kit with gang logo templates and an entertainment division that will produce women’s prison films.

Editor’s Note: Please excuse the Muse for reporting fantasy. As a Fairly Unbalanced journalist, it is his calling.

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